Some Couples Dream of the Set Up My Boyfriend and I Have. I’m So Unhappy.

Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Pay Dirt archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions about money here. (It’s anonymous!) Dear Pay Dirt, My boyfriend of six years is extremely loving and completely devoted to me in every way possible… except for when it comes to our living situation. He won’t get married again (we are both divorced) or buy a home together (he currently owns the apartment that he’s had for 13 years, but it’s not big enough for me and my two daughters to live with him). So we continue to live between two apartments (mine when I have my kids and his when they are with their dad). Since we’ve been together, I’ve had to move three times (the first move was by choice because our place was too small for four people and a new dog). The last two times have been because the landlord was selling the building. I feel very frustrated because I feel like we wouldn’t have to keep moving out of our rental apartments if he would sell his apartment and we could buy something together (I can’t afford to buy something on my own). So, although we say we will be together for the rest of our lives, are in each other’s wills, and share everything with one another, it feels off. It doesn’t feel like a true partnership when we’re not making financial decisions together. In his perfect world, I would just be fine renting for the next six years until my kids go to college and then we would live in his apartment. But I also want somewhere for them to stay when they’re home on breaks and holidays, etc. In my perfect world, he would sell his home and we’d buy one that would fit all of us for a long future together, but he says he’ll be miserable not being in his current neighborhood and apartment that he loves so much. We’ve had hundreds of conversations about this and always end up in the same place: I am the one who concedes mainly because he makes more money than me (which is a whole other topic that I could get into over gender roles and dynamics). I don’t want to break up but I’m also feeling increasingly resentful. What should I do? —Longing for Stability Dear Longing for Stability, You say this boyfriend is “completely devoted” to you, but nothing about what you’ve written indicates that he’s willing to make any compromises to make your life easier. It seems he’s more in love with his apartment and neighborhood than with you and your family. What are you getting out of this situation? Having to flip-flop between housing every few weeks and moving three times in six years? Currently, your boyfriend has it made—he gets a girlfriend in his perfect apartment and neighborhood and doesn’t have to change from his bachelor lifestyle. He thinks it is easier for your family of three to keep moving than for him to leave his apartment. Maybe he has something in his past that makes him cling to the stability of his apartment—but he isn’t the only one that deserves that. You and your daughters also deserve the kind of stable housing situation that he has. I have to ask: What do your daughters think about your boyfriend and living situation? Are they OK with the way things have been going? Do they like him? They’re old enough to have opinions about him. Even though you’re the adult who will make decisions, they might provide you with new insights. It sounds like he views them as inconveniences to his ideal couple life with you—and not family members to consider in decision-making. All of your plans accommodate your children, and his “perfect” plan seems to be to keep them at arm’s length until they’re old enough to be out of his life and then have you all to himself (in his ideal apartment). I’d tell you to ditch this guy because he only seems to be complicating your life, but maybe his other qualities are redeeming enough to put up with this apartment attachment. If you want to keep your relationship, one possible solution is to rent a bigger home with him for the next six years while he rents out his current place. That way, he holds on to the apartment for after your daughters go to college, but you don’t have to upkeep two households and switch back and forth. Maybe if he’s forced to move as often you have been, he’ll see the wisdom of your proposal. —Lillian Karabaic From: My Boyfriend Is Perfect. Except For His Ideal Living Arrangement. (February 27th, 2023). Get advice—submit a question! Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Pay Dirt, What do I do when I have to use my emergency fund? A few months ago our household ran into some big house emergencies that we couldn’t ignore, that needed to be fixed as soon as possible and that cost multiple thousands of dollars that we were not expecting to spend. You know the old question: How many people can afford some kind of unexpected life emergency that will cost thousands of dollars? Well, there was a time when I would have proudly said, “Me! I can!” and it was true, we paid for the emergency and then realized that without that fund, we were feeling very vulnerable. How many people can afford to pay for more than one life emergency? So my question is: What now? I spend my emergency fund and it’s not like I don’t have other, possibly expensive emergency issues that could pop up. We can not afford another emergency. So is it just time to start over? What’s the best way to pick yourself up from this kind of situation and begin again? And what options do homeowners have when things pop up that can’t be ignored that cost thousands of dollars they don’t have anymore? —When It Rains It Pours Dear It Pours, Just because you had funds designated for emergencies doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt when it’s spent. Give yourself a break, you should be proud of yourself. You were able to use those savings for their exact purpose: to cover a financial emergency. But yes, it’s time to start over. Starting an emergency fund from scratch can be discouraging, but it’s essential to prioritize. If another emergency happened without it, you’d be in a tough spot. So, treat it like any other goal. Decide on a target amount and put whatever cash you can toward it. Start small if you have to, then look at ways to amp it up. Go over your expenses to cancel subscriptions you’re no longer using, eat out less and negotiate with bill providers to get a lower discount rate. Rocket Money is a great budgeting app that can help with all three. You can also look for ways you could potentially earn more to hit your goal faster. If you haven’t already done so, you need to look into homeowners insurance. Homeowners insurance covers some losses (including your personal belongings) and damage done to your property due to disasters. It also typically includes coverage for medical care in case an accident should happen at your home. But also, look into a home warranty—it covers other items your homeowner’s insurance doesn’t. Think appliances and home systems, such as plumbing and electrical work. While you may never need it, homeowners insurance plus a home warranty can help you take on much of what happens to your home. If another emergency should happen that’s not covered under while you’re still building up your savings, a home equity line of credit (HELOC) could also be an option. —Athena Valentine From: My Husband’s Absurd Career Dream Is Going To Ruin Everything. (March 3rd, 2023). Dear Pay Dirt, By all appearances, I have a good life. I have a not-too-difficult job that pays well and has flexible hours. I’ve been married for 30 years and all of our children are doing reasonably well. While not wealthy, I have money in the bank and we own a home, cars, etc. I am able to indulge my interests and hobbies, including travel for pleasure and “experience” activities like hiking and skiing. However, I am completely burned out. My wife has serious health issues so I am responsible for most of the housekeeping, home maintenance, finances, and parenting. I make all of the family plans and keep the family schedule, even small tasks like getting oil changes on the cars fall on me. I am often frustrated with my wife and kids because of the imbalance of responsibility. At my job, I am completely uninspired and just do the minimum. But, I am also stressed that should I lose my job our lifestyle will completely collapse. Many of my friendships feel one-sided, we mostly talk about their problems because my life seems so “put together.” I fantasize about a future where I have no obligations and often think about quitting, not just my job, but everything, pulling all of the money out of savings and leaving everything behind. I have considered therapy, but I’ve had several bad experiences with therapists. It’s made me skeptical, not that therapy cannot work, but at the ability to find a therapist who is a good fit for me. Right now, my coping mechanism is to just keep plugging along in the hope that over time things will get better. —Burned Out Dear Burned Out, I know it’s frustrating to get recommended therapy when it hasn’t worked before, but you are burned out enough that you wrote all your frustrations out to a financial advice columnist. What you are dealing with is not a financial problem—it’s burnout. The malaise and frustration you’re dealing with are common for the “default parent” in a relationship and the person that carries the “mental load.” The tools that will best help you navigate this will come from a trained professional. If you’ve struggled with finding a one-on-one therapist, you might want to seek a support group that fits your needs (such as through the Well Spouse Association). While you look for a professional to help you, I recommend reading Burn Out: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Emily Nagoski. And for financial advice: If it’s within your budget, outsourcing some of the household tasks to lighten your load might provide you with some relief. See if your wife is able to manage the outsourcing of the tasks, instead of you. —L.K. From: I Figured Out How To Be An Ethical Landlord. Young Activists Don’t Agree. (March 6th, 2023). Classic Prudie My wife “Jenny” has recently been diagnosed with cancer. Prognosis is cautiously hopeful, but the last few months have started me wondering if I should broach the long-ignored fact that my eldest (who is 15) maybe isn’t biologically mine.