El Jalapeño: Mexico City residents express civic pride in having the ‘world’s worst traffic’

All stories in El Jalapeño are satire and not real news. Check out the original article here. MEXICO CITY — After briefly ceding the top spot to Barranquilla, Colombia, Mexico City has officially reclaimed its title as the most congested city on Earth, prompting widespread civic celebration across a gridlocked metropolis that refused to accept second-best. According to the latest TomTom Traffic Index, capital motorists averaged a staggering 75.9% congestion level, successfully re-establishing dominance over rival logjams in Bengaluru, India, and Dublin, Ireland. The news was met with enthusiastic horn-honking across the Viaducto, where commuters celebrated by advancing three meters over the course of forty-five minutes. “We lost our edge there for a moment, and frankly, it was embarrassing,” said local driver Eduardo Ramos, speaking through a rolled-down window while idling near Insurgentes. “When Barranquilla took the crown, people started moving at reasonable speeds. It felt like we were losing our cultural identity. But today, standing entirely still on a Tuesday afternoon, I have never been prouder to be a chilango.” City officials held a formal press conference to honor the milestone, though several key speakers arrived two hours late due to a localized standstill near the Zócalo. Transportation authorities praised the collective dedication of millions of daily drivers who consistently chose to get behind the wheel during peak hours, ensuring that an average 10-kilometer trip once again required a heroic 34 minutes and 29 seconds. The report highlighted Wednesday, May 28, as the city’s finest hour of the year, when congestion spiked to an unprecedented 117%. Commemorative plaques are reportedly planned for the Periférico overpass to mark the historic afternoon when an estimated two million vehicles successfully converted six lanes of highway into an outdoor parking lot. “Other cities try to compete, but they simply lack the stamina,” noted urban mobility analyst Sofía Mendoza. “In places like London or Athens, drivers get frustrated when traffic slows down. In Mexico City, we treat a stationary commute as a contemplative space for personal growth, breakfast and running a small business out of the glove compartment.” At press time, traffic on the Circuito Interior had come to a complete, triumphant halt, with thousands of motorists joining in a synchronized, ceremonial revving of engines to ensure Colombia would not challenge the title again anytime soon. Check out our Jalapeño archive here. Got an idea for a Jalapeño article? Email us with your suggestions!